DON’T BE THAT GUY — 10 Terrible OkCupid Messages and What Men Can Learn From Them
Jackie Mancini is the new assistant editor of GuySpeed.com. She occasionally uses online dating services. She has some opinions on the things men say online.
Online dating is weird. It took me a long time to get comfortable with the idea of trying to meet people on the Internet, because for me, my most successful romances have been sparked by an initial physical attraction. Eventually, I succumbed to my own curiosity and made a profile. I've gone on a few decent dates, and a lot of hilariously terrible ones.
Perhaps the most entertaining part of OKCupid, though, are the messages I receive. The internet makes people braver than they are in real life. My favorites are the incredibly blunt, artless attempts at getting laid. I laugh, sure, but I usually don't respond.
Whether you're online looking for a serious relationship or a steamy one-night-stand, this list can help you avoid some rookie mistakes. Or, you know, help you not make them again.
The Sloppy Communicator
Tip: Everyone needs an editor – If you're not a natural wordsmith, have a friend look over your message before you send it, and take advantage of spellcheck. Put a little effort in, and you might just get laid.
Tip: Start without snark! Say something positive about someone's interests, and ask questions that will engage those interests. Example: Life Aquatic was my favorite, too! What's your second favorite?
The Fat Guy
Tip: Self-deprecation is just not attractive, so present your positive assets first.
Tip: Ease into the kink or you might end up scaring away someone who could have been into the occasional gangbang.
The Apologetic Hot Mess
Tip: People like to know that you think they are attractive, so there's no need to be apologetic or awkward. Worst case scenario? The feeling isn't mutual, and they won't respond. Be bold. And for the love of god, spellcheck.
The Slow Learner
Tip: If someone likes you, they will not miss an opportunity to respond to your communication. If they don't respond, they are attempting to send the message that they are not interested. After one date, no one owes anyone an explanation. If someone disappears, let them.
The Dating Salesman
Tip: Just don't do this, you won't like the response you get. Move on and find someone else to pitch your Hoover to.
Tip: If you find out someone is awesome in bed, keep it to yourself until you are given the opportunity to find out first-hand. While it's rude to kiss and tell, it's just plain creepy to do what this guy did. On the plus side, I am now in talks with the NYC Tourism Board to pitch a new ad campaign slogan – Visit NY: Because there's a certain kind of apartment-wrecking sex you can only have with strangers.
The Guy Who Was Maybe a Celebrity?
Tip: Always have a profile photo.
The Guy Who Was Asking For It