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The loudest vacuum cleaner on the face of the Earth

Giving away absolutely free of charge, with no lien, mortgage, or other encumbrance of any sort, the undisputed world-record holder in the “loudest vacuum cleaner on the face of the Earth” category! Act now to take advantage of this truly unique opportunity! “Wow” your friends with this incredible Hoover!

To accurately describe this fine piece of machinery, I will need to be rather wordy, so please bear with me on this matter. Imagine you are on the runway at D/FW airport, right in front of one of the jet exhaust deflectors. A Boeing 747-400 has just taxied on to the runway about 8 feet in front of you, and holds there, awaiting clearance for takeoff.
After a few short moments, clearance is given. The pilot keeps the brakes firmly applied as the co-pilot gently places his hand on the throttles, then, in an instant, violently shoves all four of them forward to maximum thrust; right up against the stops.

The ensuing cacophony resulting from the dissonance between the screaming whine of the turbines spinning at ten bazillion RPM and the 65,000 MPH blast of air and choking exhaust blasting you into the cold, sooty metal of the deflector is utterly deafening. That is not how loud this vacuum is. It’s louder.

Just as the pilot of the 747 releases the wheel brakes, and the silvery, tubular behemoth commences its trip toward the other end of the runway and into the wild, blue yonder, air traffic control realizes they have made a deadly mistake; they had previously cleared an Airbus A380, the largest plane in the world, to land on the same runway, in the opposite direction! Frantically, they radio the two planes in a vain attempt to prevent the impending disaster, but to no avail. The planes meet nose-to-nose in a gut wrenching, mind-numbing collision. Add that noise to the already earsplitting din that was being emitted by the first plane. That is not how loud this vacuum is. It’s louder.

While all of this is happening, the air traffic control supervisor has notified the airport’s fire department and they have rolled to the scene just as this tragedy takes place. Their sirens are blaring as they pull up, only adding additional decibels to the already unbearable level of noise you are experiencing. Your eardrums feel like red hot razor blades fired from a 12 gauge shotgun careening around inside your cranium. You honestly wish a 2-ton piece of the shrapnel flying from the ruins could just catapult your way and sever your head, putting you out of your misery once and for all. It never happens; you survive this, the most miserable moment of your entire life, surrounded by carnage, the noise level absolutely unbearable, with blood now flowing profusely from what used to be your ears. That is not how loud this vacuum is. It’s louder.

Take the entire scene and insert it into the humungous wind tunnel at the Chrysler factory. Run the wind tunnel up to about 350 MPH. Take the noise you are now being subjected to, and triple it. Now, THAT’S how loud this damn vacuum is.

I’ve had people tell me I’m wrong, that this thing is much worse than I’ve described, and I’m being gentle just to be able to unload it on some poor, disadvantaged housewife in an act of masochism, thinly veiled as generous, selfless philanthtopy.

I expect the competition for this beauty to be fierce, but if you want it, just email me and I’ll set it out on the curb for you. If you need help finding the place after I give you the address, just let me know. I’ll turn the lovely contraption on and you can follow the roar. Don’t worry, it’ll drown out the highway sounds from the semis, and the traffic choppers overhead and you’ll have no problem getting here, even if you’re just pulling out of your driveway in Guatemala.

Don’t get me wrong, it does what it’s supposed to do; it cleans the floor. I’m just tired of cleaning the blood from the walls that sprays out of my ears when I use this little gem.

ATTACHMENTS INCLUDED!
ALLERGEN FILTRATION!
BRUSHED EDGE CLEANING!
WON’T LAST!
ACT NOW TO TAKE THIS CREAM PUFF HOME WITH YOU TODAY!

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