$1100 / 600ft² – Need housing ASAP (Baltimore Metro)

So I need your help, the other day my friend and I were driving around drinking beer and possibly doing a bump or two (coke, I don’t mess with that meth shite) when I needed to go. I remember traffic being a little heavy for 2:30 on a Thursday afternoon, and it was urgent, so we had to pull over ASAP and I dropped trou and went next to a trash can. Well little did I realize that we were right outside a high school and the reason traffic was heavy was there were a ton of students leaving the parking lot. I was almost finished, thinking I was home free when a group of 14 year old girls and 1 boy came around the corner and started f’in with me. I hopped in the car with my peter hangin out of my jeans still and we peeled off, only to come to a screeching halt behind some traffic at a red light about 100 feet away. Well I got brutally yanked out of the car by some cops with my junk still out and now I’m not allowed within 500 feet of any schools.

Now here’s where it gets dicey. I live right behind a school and now I gotta move ASAP. About me: College educated, currently living off of a trust fund that is about to run dry due to legal bills, so I will be a professional at something in the near future, meaning my bump doin, beer drinkin car rides are over, until I retire at least. Can you help me out???