10 Things Not To Give Away On Halloween

As a kid in South Texas it was tough on Halloween nights.  Not only were we battling the weather (sometimes it would rain, sometimes it would be hot and humid and other times cold as hell) but we were also battling the ever so present problem of useless crap that some people would hand out and disguise them as "treats".  I even had someone give me a bag of cat treats one year.....yeah....cat treats.  I contemplated beating that guy with a bag of hammers for months....but, I never did.

So, here is a carefully comprised list of s**t you should not hand out on Halloween.  Or be prepared to hose egg off your house for the rest of the year.  You've been warned.

1. Raisins. Happy Halloween, kids! Have a box of humiliated grapes.

2. Pencils. Nothing says “I am the least fun person ever” like a mom distributing school supplies.

3. Toothbrushes. I know you’re a dentist, but give me a break. Give the kids a free toothbrush when they visit you next month to treat their Halloween-fallout cavities.

4. Halloween erasers. First, novelty erasers barely work as erasers, which is like owning a pair of scissors that aren’t made for cutting. Second, they will become stupid and outdated the minute the calendar rolls over to November 1. Also, you can’t eat them.

5. Pennies. I don’t care if you’ve carefully counted out twenty of them and put them in a cute bag. Pennies are a worthless annoyance, even in quantities of twenty. Especially in quantities of twenty. In fact, I’d rather you just give me the cute bag.

6. Stickers. Because they will end up on the floor, or the windows of someone's car, or the bottom of my shoe, or in someone’s hair. No.

7. Religious crap. I respect your faith, but not your intent to impose it on other children. No Bible verse cards. No tiny Bibles. And, sweet Jesus, no pamphlets about how Halloween is satanic. You know what’s legitimately evil? Not giving out candy.

8. Juice boxes. Might as well hand out water guns filled with grape juice.

9. Apples. You know who’s always handing out apples in the fairy tales? Witches, that’s who.

10. Coupon booklets. Halloween is about the immediate gratification of 1) getting candy and 2) eating candy. Whereas a coupon involves 3) me having to go somewhere to redeem the coupon and 4) probably having to buy something else. Too many steps. No thanks.